Dammit.

I promised, PROMISED myself that I would not let the Freshman 15 get me in university.

But here I am, 3 months in, and I have ALREADY gained at least fifteen pounds if not more. Coffee Beans and Ninety-One were kind of enough to discourage this thought in my head, but there's no disproving facts. I wasn't exactly a skinny girl before, but I was a healthy one, and I know that that girl has made an unwanted exit.

I haven't been anywhere near a scale, but, as a former fat chick, I know that my weight is going in the wrong direction. Things are hanging and bulging like they shouldn't be again and, while the boys kept coming in September, it is beyond noticeable that I haven't had ANY attention from ANYone since late October... and he was very very drunk.

Don't get me wrong. I don't need guys to validate my appearance. But I do know that guys didn't go for me when I was overweight and they did when I wasn't... so I can do the math.

So the decision is made. Once I finish the food currently in my room (which I plan to make a very slow process because binging isn't going to get me anywhere), it's fruit and HEALTHY granola bars only. In meal hall, tomorrow I switch to water with my meals and a soup and salad based diet that I will stick with. Nothing that comes from a lady in a hairnet behind a glass plate unless it's REALLY appealing. Dessert is officially limited to ice cream on Sunday.

I will go for a walk every day unless it is raining or freezing or I am overtaken by work. I will buy a pair of sweatpants from the bookstore so that I can start going to Zumba with Lauren and Massachusetts. And when I go dancing, I will actually shake it, goddammit!

I want my curves back. Here we go.

Oh No, She's Back...

I should be reading the work of a crazy promoter of brutality right now...

But instead I'm going to update my blog... because a lot has happened since I last came here.

University is finally upon me. I started in early September and am loving every minute of it. I have 7 wonderful floormates who now all need nicknames because they will be topics in the future. So let's introduce them...

The Roommate

My wonderful roommate who occasionally chills with Mary Jane and has a lot of wacky friends here who do too. =P

Cray-Cray

One of the girls next door who is absolutely hilarious. She has two wonderful laughs and a knack for brutal honesty. She also... um... struggles with the line sometimes.

Ninty-One

Cray-Cray's roommate, so named because she's a year older than the rest of the floor. Super sweet and super straight edge. Our floor mother.

Lauren

One night, Cray-Cray and I decided that this girl's name should be Lauren... Hehe. Lovely and very social. She studies hard and stage manages for the theatre club, but she loves to dance at the campus bar and drink a lil bit. =P First person I met aside from The Roommate.

Coffee Beans

This girl's got hair the colour of dark coffee beans and she also just adores coffee. I would use her "hipster name" but it's so much her real name by now it just would feel odd. Anyway, total hipster, total sweetheart, total crossword maniac, total genius. Love her.

Ronnie Rake

The only guy in my little group of friends and one of people I'm closest with here. He's VERY eccentric and VERY into theatre and... just for a curveball... VERY straight. I KNOW, right?

The Maritimer

Ronnie Rake's roommate. Very sweet, very absent. But when he's been drinking and he is around... he will turn up here because it's GREAT. =P

People who will get mentioned:

Massachusetts

The honorary floormate who is best friends with Coffee Beans. She's from Boston and she's lovely and she has odd tastes

The Don

Our res supervisor who is tiny and adorable and awesome.

Jekyll/Hyde

Our very intelligent but very crazy upstairs neighbour. I will actually use the name separately because I can.

Karrot Sticks

A girl I have issues with. I'm going to try and not mention her very much but ugh. Has an infatuation with Ronnie Rake.

The Drummer

Lives above me... ooooh what am I going to talk about, I dunno...

The Boy

I'm going to have to tip toe around my comments about him. For now, let's leave it as he's the boy of interest and nothing's happening with that (yet).

Here we goooo... blog coming very shortly (I will come up with more names as I need them).

Can You Hear Me Knocking on This One Way Mirror?

"I've been living to see you... dying to see you but it shouldn't be like this. This was unexpected... what do I do now? Could we start again please?"

I'm the type of girl who NEEDS to reach out to people when she sees them hurting. When I'm hurting, I need people to reach out to me.

When I know someone's hurting, it baffles me when I reach out and they don't let me in. I feel like I'm wanting them to look at me and let me tell them that everything's going to be alright, and they're wrapped in their own misery. And while I can live with that when I'm not close with a person, when it's one of the most important people in the world to me, my heart breaks into a million pieces.

I watched him walk into class today. I say "him," because his identity being private is so important write now. His eyes, once balls of fire, are now vacant. His gangly, slightly awkward stride, head up, has suddenly shrivelled into a subdued walk, head down. His leather jacket suddenly hangs differently on his shoulders. A positive energy is suddenly an unpleasant, clouded aura. A chipper voice is now hollow, if not absent. He appears then disappears. He doesn't acknowledge the people who care.

No one else except one person seems to notice or want to acknowledge it. But you see it and you know. He's not okay. And he won't reach back. He refuses.

"Try not to get worried, try not to turn onto problems that upset you. Don't you know everything's alright, yes, everything's fine... and we want you to sleep well tonight."

It Sucks to be Me

OK, it really doesn't. But having just really gotten into Avenue Q, I really can't resist. =P

I finally finished my two remaining summatives today. A very exciting notion indeed until I realized, when excitedly talking to my friend about it, that the summatives were really just the beginning of my stress. Although I have indeed finished two major projects that I never really have to think about again, I have to do a play reflection, prepare for a ten-minute play (with two lovely people who I can't always carry an entire conversation with -- I'm working with whacked out immune system boy again and I think I have narrowed down his constant illness t the fact that he refuses to zip up his coat in the dead of winter), my friends' 18th birthdays (friggin' New Years resolutions), getting myself out of history and into third period spare, my university essays, my last first semester high school exams ever, and getting nine days off work in March (mid-improv season which means I'll also be asking for a lot of time off when the time comes around too). That sentence was ENTIRELY too long.

The fact is, I think I'm losing my mind due to an insane lack of sleep. I've pulled so many all-nighters for these summatives that I think I might just drop dead, and my stress isn't anywhere near over yet. And when it's over, it will be VERY VERY temporary.

Damn.

This was short but I am tired. It is beddy bye time. =)

Major assignments completed: Fuck, I don't remember. We'll try again in semester two.
Days 'til semester two: 18

Weight lost: 41 pounds