Paranoid

Something recently occurred to me.

I've been single for, aside from a two-week blip with an almost boyfriend, my entire life.

This, in my head, is mostly because, well, guys don't tend to seem interested in me. They just don't.

This has its perks. I am very rarely the victim of sexual harassment. Painters and construction workers don't yell things at me and I don't usually have to deal with a guy getting handsy at a club... I do sometimes, obviously, because I'm a girl and guys at clubs are creeps, but, still, it's not the regular affair that my friends evidently struggle with.

But...

What if I just don't notice when guys are interested in me?

I was thinking about that aforementioned two-week blip a little while ago... and I remembered that I figured out I was on a date when he reached over and took my hand. Oh. Right. This isn't platonic, is it? 

A year and a bit later, with a few obvious fumbles in between that included a nearly friendship-destroying awkward encounter with one of my best friends, I was at a party and I was talking with a guy. We'd go and talk to other people, yeah, but we'd always come back to each other and we sat on the floor just idly chatting and laughing... I didn't keep track of the time but it must've been about three quarters of an hour that we chatted. When I left with my friend, who is so much more in tune with social nuances than I am, she said, "So you weren't interested in that guy, then? He was into you." Oh.

I remember when my best guy friend got his first girlfriend, I made fun of him mercilessly because he hadn't noticed that she was interested in him -- it had been a good six months -- until she kissed him at a party.

But what if that's me? I don't notice interest from guys until it becomes kind of physically obvious. What if I'm like freaking Jane Bennett in Pride and Prejudice -- not the stunningly beautiful part -- and guys just give up on me because I don't seem to be giving encouragement. I'm a flirty friend, but I'm painfully shy with people I don't know very well.

When a guy seems interested, I dismiss the thought because he can't be. When I look in the mirror, I don't like what I see.

Why would anyone else?

Right?

Falling, falling, falling

I'm in a bit of a downward spiral right now. 

I realized today that in the past year, I've grown apart from more than half of the people I consider to be my good friends in the city. And worse, I've realized that those people don't really care that we've grown apart.

My romantic/sex life continues to be non-existent. I don't know how to do anything about that (me? 21 in two months? never). What's really hilarious about that is that almost everyone in my school thinks I'm dating one of my two good guy friends. So essentially, I look like I have a romantic/sex life with not one but two guys who I will never actually have one with. That's fun. I'm sure that's getting me a lot of dates.

My academics are at their worst in years. I got a C+ in my easiest class last week. All of my profs clearly think I'm losing it. My journalistic instincts are way off.

I'm out of money. When I pay my rent this Thursday, I will be down to $60 to my name... and that's with incredible financial support from my family. I am basically as financially dependent as a 20-year-old comes. 

I don't have plans for a summer job or a living situation next fall.

I feel really, really trapped right now. I don't know how the hell to climb out of this hole. 

I need something good to happen.

I need help.