Thinking Out Loud

I'm one of those people who NEEDS to think out loud to achieve any kind of clarity. I thrive on it. I need to vocalize what I'm thinking, just because my brain is too damn cluttered.

So this is me thinking out loud.

I think I like someone. I think I like someone a lot. Today, I thought about the prospect of him getting back together with his ex-girlfriend and it made me feel physically ill. I feel like that's probably not a good thing. But I also know that that means something.

I've been trapped in a very cyclical confusion about this situation all summer. "I like him, I need him, he's my friend and I don't want to lose him, we could never date," and, most concerningly considering how I think I've been feeling, "he's like a brother."

...That has been a thought on particularly rough days. Most cycles skip over that step.

Today is a "he's my friend and I don't want to lose him" day with light "I like him" showers.

I'm basically writing this all out to stop myself from doing what I've been tempted to do all night: just tell him. But I absolutely can't. Definitely not until I've seen him, which I haven't for a while, and definitely not before I've worked out where my feelings are at.

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I wrote this last night and promptly fell asleep. I don't know where I was going with the blog and I still don't know where I'm going with this whole situation.

I need help.